A Tale of Two Evenings: How to Thrive with Depression Series (Part 1)

Welcome to the Thriving with Depression Series! Thank you for joining me on my adventure!  

To view the full series, check out our archive! As a reminder to new readers, you can start anywhere, even here as articles do not need to be read in any particular order. 

Part 1: How to Thrive with Depression Series

Lisa decided to go out for the evening. She went to see a movie with a close friend. Nothing seemed to go right. The popcorn was greasy, the soda had too much ice and there were only a few options for candy. They never seemed to carry any of her favorites. When she entered the theatre, she was upset to discover it was cold and she spent the evening shivering. After way too many previews, the movie finally started. The movie wasn’t bad, but definitely too long. On the way out, they ran into a few kids from school. One kid just wouldn’t stop talking. When they finally got to leave, it started to sprinkle outside. She couldn’t stand the rain. She finally made it home at 10:00pm. She still had to throw her uniform in the dryer as she had a college basketball game the next morning. Finally climbing into bed at 10:30pm, Lisa hoped tomorrow would be better. It was such a disappointing evening. 

Tyler also decided to go see a movie that evening with a friend. Her evening went a lot better than Lisa’s did. Her popcorn had some butter on it, not her favorite, but it was hot and fresh. She couldn’t decide which candy to get from the many options she had. Walking into the theatre, the temperature was just right. The movie was good, and she recognized several people since the theatre was so close to her dormitory. They exchanged a few words and Tyler returned to her room later that evening, in plenty of time to read a few chapters of her book and text her sister goodnight. What a fun evening! 

This is life, right? Sometimes things go your way and sometimes they don’t. Things just didn’t go well for Lisa. These were all things out of her control- the temperature of the theatre, the candy selection, the length of the movie. There was nothing she could do. Tyler just happened to choose a better theatre and a better movie. One again- these are things out of her control. Tyler just lucked out. Would you be surprised to learn that Lisa and Tyler are describing the same situation? In the example above, if you did not already guess, Lisa and Tyler are describing the same evening. They are the two friends that went to the movie together. Tyler was in the same theatre and watching the same movie. How come her night went so much better? Maybe Lisa is just a negative and difficult person. Tyler, on the other hand, is a positive person who has her act together. Or maybe they come from different backgrounds. Maybe Lisa must work multiple days a week to support herself and pay for college. Tyler comes from a privileged background; her parents support her so she can focus on school full-time. Therefore, Lisa is tired, so it makes sense if a long movie is a sacrifice in her already crammed schedule while Tyler has the luxury to watch a long movie. The problem is you can continue to think up reasons why Lisa is negative while Tyler is positive. We all have days that we just don’t enjoy. That is not the problem. The issue is if Lisa seems to have a lot of bad days, if it becomes a pattern. If you are always a glass half empty person, if most days are unenjoyable then depression will be your constant companion. You might be saying- well, isn’t this the definition of depression? Being sad or anxious most days? 

I am going to tell you one of the keys to thriving, not just surviving, with depression. You can become like Tyler. You may be a Lisa now, but you can become a Tyler. It took me awhile to figure this out, many years. And once you learn it, you will be surprised at how your life changes. You won’t dread getting up every morning. You won’t live life under a rain cloud. The funny thing is that when I finally realized this, my life did not necessarily get easier. Ironically, I had one of the most challenging jobs of my career. My job did not suddenly become easier. But my perception of my job changed significantly. My children’s medical issues did not suddenly disappear. My health issues and chronic pain did not vanish. But my life did become better. 

The issue with life is that it usually isn’t black and white. Most situations contain elements that you enjoy and may not enjoy at the same time. The famous glass half full versus glass half empty scenario. Lisa was disappointed with her time out, but Tyler enjoyed it. You need to learn how to become “the glass half full” person. If you think you can’t, I am here to tell you that you can! 

Let me tell you a few important things. First, not everyone you see with a positive attitude has an easy, wonderful life. As you speak to people you might be surprised to find that many positive people have quite challenging lives. I have met very positive people who have lost their jobs, businesses, and even children. Some have come from abusive homes and fought in wars. I have known several who have fought life-threatening illnesses. (Please reach out for medical help, psychological help or support from friends/family. There is no reason to deal with your issues alone.) Going through difficult life events does not preclude you from living an enjoyable life. There is always hope. Second, if you believe that no one understands what you have been through in life, you are right. Are you surprised to hear me say that? We all walk a different path with different family members, friends, backgrounds. No one is exactly alike. No one will know what it is like to walk in your shoes. But that does not mean you are alone. You can have empathy and love for another person without walking in their shoes. Third, anyone can learn to do this. The good news is that it is easy and inexpensive. You don’t need to take any fancy classes or spend a lot of money. However, for $299.99, I can teach you this skill in half the time! Ok, just kidding. Actually, you don’t need to spend any money to learn to do this. 

There are a few things you are going to need to do: like learning any skill. The good news is that it is not painful, it is easy, and it does not cost you anything. (How often can you say that?) 

Over my next few posts, I am going to show you how to do this. Ready? 

Step one: Get a pen and paper. You’re going to be doing some writing. Choose one or two items that cause you the most stress in life. I started with my job and my health. You are going to reframe your view on the topics you choose. If you are asking: why do I have to write? Can’t I just do this in my head or type notes into my iPhone? No. You need to write with a pen/pencil on old-fashioned paper. The physical act of writing on paper engrains what you write into your brain. It is like coding your brain with new instructions. I am not going to give you a bunch of scientific reasons. I have tried other ways besides pen and paper, but it does not work the same way. Each time you have a negative thought about your chosen topic, you are going to write something you do like about it. You are going to reframe it. For example: I was overwhelmed at how much I had to learn at my new job. I felt like I could not keep up. I started my workday stressed and anxious. I instead turned this around and thought of my job as a fun college class. My college major was stressful, but I met a lot of wonderful and smart people at school. I have many fun memories from school. I just pretended I was back in school and learning lots of new information. So, I wrote down the following: (1) I enjoy learning new things at my job and (2) I am curious about what I am going to learn tomorrow. It changed how I felt when I started work in the morning. Next time I will give some more examples and provide more information about changing your mindset but hopefully you have an idea of how to start. You are now on the path to thriving, not just surviving.