Happiness and How to Get There

We all want to be happy. We all want to thrive. No one wants to go around life sad and miserable. A few months ago, I came across (and posted) a quote by the Dalai Lama:

"The purpose of our lives is to be happy."

If we agree with the Dalai Lama, and my guess is most of us believe that he would not send us down a fool’s path, that is good news. We don’t have to feel guilty or unworthy to experience happiness if it is the purpose of our lives. I wrote about how to thrive with depression in my Thriving with Depression Series to provide a tool to help you attain this happiness. But what does it mean to be happy? And what else can we do to help us get there?

So, what does it mean to be happy? I used to think it meant becoming successful, becoming an expert in my field, and making enough money to raise my children in a good neighborhood with good schools. But, aside from making sure my children are safe and can receive a decent education, the rest really isn’t important. And, while safety and education are important, they don’t automatically lead to happiness. You can be safe and still feel miserable. You can have access to the best schools money can buy and still feel unhappy.

Many times, we look for happiness outside of ourselves. We look for it in the world. But we are looking in the wrong place. We need to be looking for it inside of ourselves.(Many religions feel that we can only attain happiness through God or an entity bigger than ourselves). Regardless of your beliefs, I think we can agree that looking for happiness in the world doesn’t work well. When we look for happiness outside of ourselves, we hinge how we feel on what happens TO us. So, if we have a good day or good month, we feel happy. If we have a bad week, we feel miserable. It is like riding a roller coaster and it can be exhausting. We’re up one day then down the next day. There is nothing wrong with having money, being successful, or many other activities in life. But these activities do not bring happiness. If they did, then music stars, famous actors and other very successful people would be happy and enjoy wonderful lives. Yet, ironically, they seem more miserable than the average Joe. Many are addicted to substances, have relationship issues, and have to deal with stalkers and the paparazzi. Just this week, I heard a song on the radio written by a musician who was singing about her upcoming divorce. That same day, I read about another musician whose spouse left the restaurant they were eating at when her behavior became out of control. It makes me sad and breaks my heart to hear people suffering.

I used to be frustrated by people who were miserable but never changed anything in their life. So, I went the opposite extreme. If I was miserable, and I usually was, I figured that I should do something to change my life. I would change my job, change my hair, try a new hobby, look into moving to a new house or new city. Of course, it didn’t work. I continued to be miserable.

So, how do you find happiness according to the Dalai Lama? The Dalai Lama teaches us how in some of his other quotes:

"Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions."

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

It sounds easy enough, so why don’t we inherently do it? We know that money by itself doesn’t bring happiness and the high we receive from getting a new job dissipates when we realize our new job is not perfect. I believe the reason is simple: we are unclear how to start, what to do, how much to do. What does it mean to practice compassion? 

Compassion is defined as the sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it. Compassion and empathy both refer to a caring response to someone else’s distress. While empathy refers to an active sharing in the emotional experience of the other person, compassion includes a desire to alleviate the person’s distress. (1)

Let’s take a common example. Let’s say an acquaintance or friend loses a close family member. Empathy is understanding the person’s sadness and feeling bad for them. Compassion is doing something to make the person feel better- calling the person, bringing them a home cooked meal, helping with any necessary arrangements or tasks. Compassion does not require you to remove all of the pain or rectify the situation; you are unable to bring back the lost family member. But you act with the sole goal of hoping to bring some relief to your friend.

But another issue that arises is the issue of boundaries. We don’t want to put ourselves in harm’s way or our family in harm’s way. However, we want to show kindness and compassion for others. Let me explain. I believe there are different types of or ways to show compassion. 

• Type One is pretty much the Hippocratic oath taken by physicians: Don’t deliberately do harm to others. Ok, for the majority of us that is pretty clear. Most of us won’t be put in a situation like an action movie where the hero has to take out the bad guy before he blows up the subway system underneath the city of New York. (Yes, I watch too many action movies). 
• Type Two: Performing small (yet significant) acts that will provide compassion for others. These are small acts that help others but don't take you away from family/loved ones or put you in harm's way. Sending a note or letter to someone going through a hard time. Anonymous gift cards dropped off for families in need during the holiday season. Texting a friend to say hello. Making homemade muffins for your neighbor (they came out great by the way.) Making someone feel they are not alone is a huge gift. So do not discount it. 
• Type Three: getting out and volunteering at a charity or an organization you believe in. You probably won’t have to worry about any “harm” in this type of situation. A problem comes about when a person spends all of their time volunteering and helping others and are never home to spend time with their own family. Family members or friends may start to feel like they are less important to the person than strangers. This is something you may want to discuss with those around you and decide on how much time away works for everyone. One night a week or every few weeks may be ok. Whereas in other families, more often may be okay, especially if they do it with you. 
• Type Four: This is more intense. You invite someone to stay with you who has fallen on hard times. This can be a relative, a close friend or a relative stranger. I have dealt with this and spoken with several people who do this or have done this on a routine basis. Because when it went sour, as sometimes happens, I was hurt. My experience, and that of many others, is that you will have issues. The issues can range from the person becoming an irritant, stealing, having to evict someone from your home or garage when they don’t leave (yep, that was me), to dealing with behavioral issues, all the way up to physical alterations. Remember that these acts affect you and anybody else living in the home. It is not that people necessarily intend to hurt you. It may be because they feel desperate, drugs, mental illness or difficulty handling their current situation. Now you may not have any problems with sweet Aunt Edna when she moves in. But your couch- surfing second cousin may be a different story. So, do I recommend never doing this? No. I just recommend being prepared for it and going into it with your eyes open. 
• Type Five: This is where you deliberately put yourself in harm’s way to help others. Church or non-church related mission trips to 3rd world countries, assisting with salvation army or red cross rescue efforts, etc. are examples of this type. These people denounce their worldly comforts and safety either on a temporary or permanent basis to try and help others. These activities can significantly affect those around you. Hence, I recommend speaking with family and friends when making a big decision to do one of these activities. 

Please note. I am not implying that you are a better or more compassionate person if you perform one category/type of compassionate activity vs. another. Nor should you feel compelled to do everything for everyone. Compassion includes being compassionate to yourself as well. Everyone’s situation is different. And any compassionate act makes a huge difference. Simply letting someone know that they are not forgotten or alone is very important. Don’t forget that part of the definition of compassion is a desire to alleviate the person’s distress. Lastly, helping others also helps us from feeling lonely or feeling worthless. 

In summary:

• It is the purpose of our lives to be happy
• One way to feel happy is to show compassion for others
• There are different ways to show compassion for others
• No act is too small!