Hunting for Happiness: Are you Happy? How to Thrive with Depression Series (Part 13)

 Welcome back to the Thriving with Depression Series! Thank you for joining me on my adventure! 

To view the full series, check out our archive! As a reminder to new readers, you can start anywhere, even here as articles do not need to be read in any particular order. 

I have a question for you: Are you happy?

It seems like a simple question but it is really hard to answer. 

Do you feel the need to answer 

this question with a question? 

I sure do.

Does this refer to short term happiness such as whether or not I am having a good or bad day? 

Does this refer to the last few weeks? (If so, I have to be honest, the last few weeks have been challenging).

Am I happy with my life? Overall, I have to say that despite all of the challenges, yes. 

Have I reached the inner peace and happiness that the Dalai Lama possesses? No, probably not. 

So, like a lawyer, I can't give you a straight answer. 

Happiness can mean your current feeling of emotional well-being or how you look at your life and accomplishments overall. It is hard to really explain happiness because it changes by culture and personal situation. What one person defines as happy is very different than for another. 

"Happiness equals reality minus expectation." A quote often attributed to Tom Magliozzi. Tom was a MIT graduate in mechanics, an actor, writer (including Cars and Cars 3), and was on a well-known talk show "Car Talk" with his brother Ray. 

If Tom is correct, then this would account for why we answer the question differently than other people and why our answer may change at different times and points in our life. I believe there may be other reasons for why one person says they are happy but another person is not. But I do believe this quote explains a lot.

 

Let's take a real world example. We all have different goals and dreams for our life. One person may walk to be an executive in a corporation, another person would rather have their own business, whereas another person may desire to stay at home and raise a large family. It is good to have goals, dreams, and aspirations. Otherwise it would be like driving down a highway without any traffic signs. You don't know if you're going the right way. You would always be lost. But what happens, as so often does, when our dreams do not become a reality? Well, then we are unhappy, at least for a bit. And we desperately try to make our dreams come true. For my friends that wanted to be parents but could not have children, some visited infertility clinics looking for assistance. For me, whose original goal was to go far in my career, illness reared it's ugly head and interfered with my plans. I too did everything I could to hold on to my dream by visiting doctor after doctor looking for a cure or answer. 

So, are we doomed to remain unhappy because our expectations did not meet reality? No, no we're not.
Because, just like any math equation (sorry if I'm bringing up bad memories of math class in school), we can change the variables. People have the amazing ability to be extremely adaptive in life. And just like most highways, there are different off ramps. At some point many of us change our expectations and take a different route in life. Or, we realize that our original dream has both positive and negatives. For example, having a family is exciting but it makes it more challenging and expensive to travel. And, if your children have any medical issues or conditions, traveling and other activities may have to be halted or strictly limited. Therefore, my friends that do not have children have traveled all around the world. Whereas I have not been able to do so yet. Everything has its advantages and disadvantages. I believe people who can recognize that are happier. Life has so much to offer. If one road is closed, there is always another road to travail. 

But what if we feel stuck and have trouble feeling happy? Well, we all do at some point in time. We all have ups and downs in life. The interesting thing is that we can still feel happy while going through a challenging time in our lives. How? Let's go back to thriving not just surviving steps. 

To Recap the 3 steps:

Step 1: Pick 1-2 areas in your life that cause the most stress. Each time you have a negative or stressful thought, you reframe your point of view by writing something you do like about your chosen area. 

Step 2: Read your positive thoughts out loud.

Step 3: When doing this process, add a scent you find pleasing in the background.

The steps may sound too simple to work. 

But they do so for a variety of reasons:

1. They are very simple and easy to use.

2. They help to create a positive outlook on life.

3. They use multiple senses. The more senses you use when changing/improving your life, the better. It becomes ingrained into you.

4. It can be done anywhere, anytime.

5. It's free. No need to worry about inflation and skyrocketing prices.

But, regardless whether you try my method or another way, choose something that works with your lifestyle.

And we have learned a bit about people who are  happy. They tend to have these traits:

1. They have strong social connections (It can family, friends, clubs or organizations.)

2. They engage in activities that fit their strengths, values, and lifestyles.

3. They practice gratitude.

4. They focus their time and energy where they have control.

5. They know it's good to do good. Please see my article that discusses happiness and service to others.

6. They realize that material wealth is only a small part of the equation.

7. They develop healthy coping strategies.

8. They focus on all aspects of their health: mind, body, stress relief.

9. They cultivate spiritual emotions. In other words, they connect to something larger than themselves.

10. They have meaningful goals in life. They have direction. 

Does that sound overwhelming? Like these people are too good to be true or are not living in the "real" world? That maybe they do not understand what you have been through or what you are going through?

In my experience as a nurse and just in life in general, I do not believe that's true. Of course you may meet a few people who live in their own world. But this is achievable for the rest of us as well. Sometimes it is surprising who is happy and who is not. It is not the person with the easiest life but it is often the person with the most interesting hobbies and activities.

Please join me back next week to go into more detail about happiness and happy people. I would like to tell you a bit about my experiences in health care and as a hospice nurse. You may be surprised to find out who my unhappiest patient was and who my happiest patient was. 

In the meantime, what hobby are you interested in or passionate about that you are not doing?

Think about your answer because next time I will be asking you about what makes YOU happy! I'd sure love to know!