Learning to Love Emotions: Thriving with Depression (Part 16)

Welcome back to the Thriving with Depression Series! Thank you for joining me on my adventure! 

To view the full series, check out our archive! As a reminder to new readers, you can start anywhere, even here as articles do not need to be read in any particular order. 

Last time, on the Thriving with Depression series, we discussed emotions- good or bad? To view this article please click on this link. 

This episode, I continue to discuss emotions. The article this week is Learning to Love Emotions.

We try to remain creatures of logic. After all, in the civilized world, logic is supposed to dictate our
thoughts and actions. There is nothing wrong with this except for one issue, we are not Vulcan. We are Human. We ARE creatures with emotions and feelings. And not just a few, a whole rainbow of emotions! We have both a logical side and an emotional side. We need both parts to survive AND thrive. Logic helps us think through situations, events, and learn. An emotion helps us understand how we truly feel or think about a situation. 

Think of a conversation. The logical part is like the verbal communication; the words you hear the other person speak. The emotional part is like the nonverbal communication. Let's look at two examples. Let's say Laura runs into her ex-boyfriend Chad in the grocery store parking lot. Chad may say he is glad to see her, but he is walking towards his car and away from Laura quickly. Unless Chad is late for work or has an urgent situation, it is clear how he truly feels. The logical part (verbal) and emotional (nonverbal) part are at odds. When this happens, it causes stress in our lives.  

What if Chad did not walk away from Laura but turned and faced her when he said he was glad to see her? In this case the verbal and nonverbal messages are the same. 

The issue is not that Chad is "bad" in one situation and "good" in another. It is that he is true to himself in one situation and not in the other. The truer to ourselves we are, the better we will feel and the smoother our lives will be. So, should Chad have told Laura that he wasn't glad to see her? Wouldn't that be rude? Not necessarily. 

The key is to express yourself in a way that is consistent with your feelings. Chad could have just replied that he was surprised to see her, or any number of things. It can be done it just takes practice. Like any skill. Perhaps preparing a few select phrases for situations such as this would be useful. 

An emotion is a message meant for us to understand and interpret. An emotion tells us how we truly feel. 

We are usually okay with the "good" emotions like joy or anticipation. But we try and avoid the "bad" ones like anger and sadness. We love the "good" emotions and dislike the "bad" emotions. 

But all emotions are important and with a purpose. 

And when logic and emotions work together, the results can be amazing. 

So, if an emotion is a message meant for us to understand and interpret, what is it saying? Sometimes it is easy to interpret. Other times, it's much harder to do. But it is doable! Ask yourself, what is the emotion telling you? What do you really think but don't realize? 

Start asking yourself and these mysterious clues and messages will be revealed. (All without a magic ball.) 

First, determine what emotion or emotions you feel.

Second, determine if they are primary or secondary emotions.

Primary emotions are what you first feel when something happens to you. You don't think, it just comes to you. They are innate, human, and shared across cultures.

But as time goes on, and you have had time to think about your situation, other emotions arise. These are the secondary emotions. They are reactions to our primary emotions and are often habitual or learned responses. Primary emotions are how we feel to events or situations. Secondary emotions are reactions to how we feel. 

If the emotion you feel is a primary emotion, why do you think you feel the way you do?

If the emotion is a secondary emotion, one that you learned, why did you learn it? And is the reason still valid or useful?

Third, is your emotion at odds with your behavior? 

It is much easier to alter our behavior than our emotions. Until you resolve or handle your emotion(s), is there a way you can make your behavior consistent with how you feel? As in the example above, Chad can say that he is surprised to see Laura when he runs into her, which would be true. Rather than saying he is happy to see her, which would not be true. 

Lastly, "resolve" or come to terms with your emotion(s).

In this step, you need to understand your emotion. Sometimes it may seem obvious. If someone cuts you off when you are driving, you may feel angry. Obvious? Maybe. If someone cuts you off and puts your safety in danger, then yes. The flight or fight response was activated, and you are experiencing the "fight" part of the response. But what if someone changes lanes in front of you? You were in no danger, your fight or flight response was not activated, but you still find yourself angry. If this is a one-time event, maybe you're just having a bad day, and you might be frustrated. The issue is if this is a common occurrence. If you get angry whenever someone changes lanes in front of you, then there is more going on. Perhaps you feel people don't give you the respect you deserve at work and in other parts of your life. In this situation, you may need to delve into this issue further. 

Let's say anger is your primary emotion but you also have a secondary emotion of guilt. Growing up as a child, anger was considered a bad emotion in your home, and you were made to feel guilty if you became angry or lost your temper. Therefore, the reason for your guilt would be clear. If not, then you need to explore this a little more as well.

You can't spend your days obsessing over every emotion. This process is when you find that your emotions and behavior/actions are not consistent on a regular basis. You often act one way but feel another when you face similar situations. 

Once you see your emotions for what they are, messages for you, you will learn to understand and appreciate them rather than try to avoid them at all costs.