It is extremely rare not to have challenges and disagreements with your child. You might disagree on what she can wear, if she can get a tattoo or who she can date. This is normal life.
But sometimes two people have such different views on life that a normal relationship just isn't possible.
EARLY YEARS
My daughter was the easiest child to raise from the age of 1 until 14. (Before the age of 1 she was only hard to raise because she rarely slept.) The terrible 2s? They only lasted for about a month and then they were over. If you needed her to do something, you simply explained what it was and why. It was like she was an old wise soul in a child's body. She came into a room and the room both lighted up and felt more relaxing at the same time. She was a straight A student and an athlete. She participated in a mini triathlon at age 9 and a half-marathon at age 13. At age 14 she joined the varsity cross-country team at her high school. Based on her grades and talents, a university scholarship was inevitable.
Until...life...changed. .gif)
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TEEN YEARS
It was time for mid-terms, and she was supposed to be at school. But for some reason she was still in bed. This was so unlike her. I figured she was really sick, maybe bronchitis or pneumonia? She occasionally had bouts of severe bronchitis in which her oxygen level became very low. I went to check on her, prepared to bring her to the urgent care for some antibiotics and a breathing treatment.
She did not have bronchitis. She did not appear physically ill. But she would not or could not leave her bed; she couldn't do anything. I didn't understand what was happening. She seemed in significant emotional distress. What started that day was a long journey of medical visits and treatments to figure out what was happening and how to fix it.
All I know is that the girl I recognized as my daughter changed overnight. And she has never returned.
I have occasionally seen short glimpses into who she used to be and pray that my daughter returns to me. .gif)
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ADULT YEARS
It is 11 years later. The girl I once knew and raised still has not returned. The girl in pain and distress remains. Underneath the pain is a warm heart and a sweet soul. I know it. But it is often hidden by despair.
I BECOME THE MONSTER
The biggest issue between us is that our view of reality does not coincide. We live in different universes. She sees me as a monster who was never there for her. I see myself as a mother who spent thousands of dollars on medical care and treatment. I am not close to perfect. Maybe I could have brought her to a different doctor, put her in a private school, done something else? I am often reminded of how horrible a person I am. She believes my medical problems changed my personality, basically turning me into a Windigo, causing me to do horrible things I did. She is waiting for me to admit to everything I did, to be honest, to own up to the monster that I am.
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TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS
I finally realized that expecting a miracle to happen and our situation to change is living in denial.
Am I delusional? Is she? One of the big issues is that my daughter can be totally fine one minute and change on a dime; a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation.
I was really hoping she suffered an endocrine condition, bipolar depression or PTSD (not that I would wish these on anyone) because at least there is treatment and the chance for a normal life. More significant medical/behavioral issues, undiagnosed conditions, or simple hate are extremely difficult to repair.
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A BROKEN HEART
I checked into a nearby hotel so I could have a couple evenings to myself and recuperate. I still returned home during the day to work and help with chores. But the evenings were mine to heal.
I will never be the same. So, I need to find my new normal. I need to find a way to cope without snapping at those around me. I need to find me.
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