You and Your Purpose- Thriving with Depression Series (Part 22)

Welcome back to the Thriving with Depression Series! Thank you for joining me on my adventure! 

To view the full series, check out our archive! As a reminder to new readers, you can start anywhere, even here as articles do not need to be read in any particular order. 

Please see the last three articles Why Am I Here, The Purpose of Life; Getting Better and Finding You; Your Purpose Explored.

Last time we focused on the Learning equation. We discussed personality types, character traits. and what you like and are good at. How did you describe yourself? Confused, bewildered, cheeky, chic, or jolly? What is your passion? Did you learn something about yourself and what you would like to do? Or are you already doing it?

This time we are looking at both parts of my definition of becoming a better you; learning who you are while attending to your needs as well as the needs of others (the golden rule). So, why doesn't the definition just stop at learning who you are? 

Why did I add the second part about the golden rule?

Because of two main scenarios. 

Scenario 1: sometimes you are unable to engage in what you are passionate about/what you feel driven to do because you are in a restrictive environment. 

Scenario 2: sometimes what you want to do can negatively affect a person or people around you. In either of these two scenarios, you have to make some tough decisions. 

The assumption is that to become a better you, you will make a positive effect on the world. The Oxford's dictionary definition of better is of a more excellent or effective type or quality. 

What does it mean to be a better you? Learning who you are and implementing the golden rule (attending to your own needs as well as the needs of others).                      

How Does Knowing This Affect Your Life? Focusing on this makes your life smoother. (Not easier but smoother.)

Let's look at an example with scenario 1: 

• You are unable to follow your passion or follow your life's purpose because of a restrictive environment. Perhaps a young man enjoys drawing, but his family believes this is a waste of time and discourages this activity. 
• He signed up for an art class at college, but his family asked her to drop the class and take another science class instead. He feels stuck. 
• He is appreciative of all his family has done for him, but he does not want to give up drawing just because his family does not understand what it means to him. 

How does he attend to his own needs as well as those of his family? There is not one right answer. Maybe his family might be ok if he takes an art class over the summer or if he agrees to keep his grades up. Perhaps he can work out an agreement with his family that he can draw for a certain amount of time each day. 

You might think, what is wrong with drawing? Why can't his family just get over their issues and let him do what he wants? There may be several well-intentioned reasons. Perhaps his parents are relatively old or not well-off and want to be sure he focuses on a career to support himself as they won't be able to support him much longer. 

He has a choice to make. He can try and come to an agreement with his family, or he can just ignore them and do what he wants. It depends on a number of factors. If he is from a good, just restrictive, family it may not be worth ruining his relationship with them over his drawing hobby. Once he is out on his own, he will have more control over his life. If they are abusive and this is just one more thing he has to contend with, then his reaction may be different.

He has to attend to her own needs. Drawing may just seem like an unimportant hobby to someone looking in from the outside. But having a hobby is a very important part of life. It can give someone hope, something to look forward to, help alleviate depression, use more parts of the brain, and make life enjoyable. Not only that, but our skills can be used (whether as part of an occupation or not) to help and inspire others. This is when you are living your life's purpose. 

So, how does he decide how to respond?

Some things he can ponder to help him decide:

1.  The situation is abusive. "Abuse is often defined as a pattern of behavior used by one individual to gain and maintain control and power over another.*" One thing to keep in mind about this definition of abuse is that it refers to a pattern of behavior, in other words, not just one incident. It can be physical, sexual, emotional, or financial.  In an abusive situation, he needs to leave as soon as possible.
   
   
2. Be aware of toxic people in your life. Toxic is defined as, "informal, disapproving; of a person, relationship or situation; very unpleasant, especially in the way somebody likes to control and influence other people in a dishonest way.*" In addition, "Toxic people impact our mental and emotional well-being, leaving us exhausted and stressed.*"
   
   Basically, whenever you are with a toxic person the encounter leaves you feeling bad about yourself. You do not leave feeling upbeat, encouraged, and positive. So, how does this differ from negative people? The difference is control. A toxic person wants to control you, whereas a negative person feels bad about life. “Negative” people, unlike “toxic” people, may be more about vulnerability and less about vice.*" The rule of thumb is to remove toxic people in your life. So, what if a parent or other close relative is toxic? While he may decide to see his parent/relative occasionally, it may not be a good idea to have them in his everyday life. 
   
   
3. The importance of the activity at this time. How important is this activity for him currently? Maybe he is very busy and does not have much time for this activity at this time in his life. Or maybe this activity helps his severe depression. In this case, it would be very important for him to do his drawing.

The young man may want to start by talking to his family about how he feels; especially if he has a decent relationship with his family and he wants to keep it that way. If he has a poor relationship with his family, he needs to decide if he believes if it can be improved or not. It depends a lot on if they are abusive, toxic, or just a little restrictive and fearful. Seeing a counselor may not be a bad idea.

Scenario 2: sometimes what you want to do can negatively affect a person or people around you. In either of these two scenarios, you have to make some tough decisions. 

Let's look at an example with scenario 2: 

• You are unable to follow your passion or follow your life's purpose because what you want to do may negatively affect another person or people around you.  Perhaps a young woman wants to be a teacher. She wants to change young lives by inspiring them, especially those from disadvantaged backgrounds. But her family is a strict Jehovah Witness family that does agree with higher education.
• Her family is kind, always helping those in need, and has been supportive her entire life. 
• Her decision to become a teacher, however, could harm her relationship with her family.

Just like scenario #1, here are some things she can ponder to help her decide include:

1. 
   The situation is abusive. Her family is kind, and she is not in an abusive situation.
2. Be aware of toxic people in your life. Her family is not toxic.
3. The importance of the activity at this time. Because she is not in an abusive situation (if she were I emphatically recommend her running away from) and her family is not toxic, she needs to decide if it is worth hurting her relationship with her family to go to college. When you are in an
   abusive or toxic relationship, your relationship is already a damaged relationship. These are probably people you can't reason with and explain why something is important to you. But if she has an okay or good relationship with her family, it is a different situation. The next thing to consider is if it would matter if she waited to pursue her dreams. In the example above with the guy who wanted to draw, the timing may make a difference. His family may be fine with it as long as they see that he can support himself and they don't have to worry if they will have enough money to support themselves and an adult son in their old age. But, in this case, it will not matter when she does it. Here family does not believe in higher education. That is probably not going to change.
   
   
   
4. The life you want. In this example, it is so much more than a girl who wants to go to school. She has to decide what kind of life she wants to lead. If she grew up as a Jehovah Witness, does she want to continue in this faith? If yes, she may want to speak to her family and see if she can come to some kind of understanding or agreement that would allow her to pursue her dream. She may need to assure her family she will continue to be diligent in her faith despite the demands of a college courseload. If she does not want to continue in her faith, then she will be shunned by her family and she will live a life without them anyway. It is not an easy situation. 
   

Sometimes in life we are presented with a complicated situation. If we pursue our hopes, dreams, and talents, we may upset someone close to us. There is not always a simple answer. 

If you have no idea which way to go, then start at the end. What do you want your situation and life to look like?