Grief grabbed hold of me this week. Is it ironic that I am writing about grief? Maybe God, the Universe, my angels knew that writing about this topic would be cathartic.
We lost our little chihuahua, Leonard, on April 30th. It was one day before his 16th birthday. He was a wonderful dog that loved to eat, especially pepperoni pizza and chicken. He loved to walk everywhere. The last year of his life he developed many health plans including severe back issues. I am glad he is no longer in pain, and I believe he is visiting all of our animal lover family members that have passed. We love you Leonard and we will miss you dearly. 💔💖
We think of grief as the loss of a friend or loved one., like the loss of my beloved dog. Yes, this is grief. But grief encompasses much more than that. It refers to the feeling of despair or sadness when you lose someone or something dear to you. Feel guilty about the loss of your career, your inability to have children, the loss of your marriage? Don't feel guilty if a major loss in your life makes you feel like you were hit by a tidal wave. This is grief and how grief feels!
While Kubler-Ross developed the stages of grieving based on people who were ill and dying, these can be and are applied to any type of loss. We deal with ups and downs in life. I belief the difference between disappointments and grief is the significance in your life. Grief affects a major part of your life, every aspect of your life, or the direction of your life.
Let's use an example of someone who loses their career. I am not just talking about getting laid off by your current employer. I am talking about something happening in your life that changes your entire career. Lisa is a tennis player who permanently injures her arm in a car accident. This loss is grief. Her career as a tennis player is over which will affect her daily life and future career options and earnings. Every person is different, and she may find herself going through part or all stages of grieving. If she goes through the 5 stages of grieving, this is what it might look like.
(Info: The picture below is my tennis team photo from 10th grade).
STAGES OF GRIEF
Denial
As she lay in the hospital, she intellectually knows that her arm is injured but she is in denial that this will affect her tennis career. She might be thinking that with some physical therapy, surgery, medication, and any other treatment, she will be back on the court. She knows it may be a few months delay in her career but she does not yet want to realize how bad her injury is. Just to clarify, in this example, I am thinking of someone whose nerves are severed and there is no road back to function.
Does that mean Lisa should just give up? No. Even if her arm is so damaged she will never play again, I do not believe giving up is an option for several reasons. (1) It may be true that no doctor or patient has had a person return to full functioning from this degree of severity, but the body is an amazing and unusual organ. Miracles have occurred. This may not be the case for Lisa, but you never know. (2) Before giving up a dream career, if you don't do whatever you can to try and save it, you may regret it. You may condemn yourself to live with the "what ifs" your entire life. (3) Even if adhering to a strict treatment does not get Lisa back to a tennis career, it may help improve the function of her arm and allow her to be well enough to try another related career.
Anger
I would be surprised if Lisa did not experience anger. She may be angry at the person who hit her (or herself for hitting the other person), at God, at the universe, or she may be angry that other can still do what she now cannot. She may be wondering why this happened to her. She might lash out at others close to her or those she is jealous of. This is a tough one especially because many of the people she lashes out at only want the best for her. Some may be trying to help her. But she is really not angry at them per se, she is in pain and the pain is expressed as anger. It is too strong and deep to be kept inside. That is why is comes out as anger.
Bargaining
occurred, the extent of the loss may have not. The arm is badly damaged but exactly how much it will affect her everyday life has yet to be determined. For example, the doctors cannot tell her if she won't be able to use it at all or if she may be able to use it to help get dressed or to hold a spoon. While this is a far cry from being able to play tennis, Lisa has not had a chance to see for herself what she can and can't do.
Therefore, once she is over denial at how bad her arm is hurt, she may be bargaining with a higher power, herself, or the doctors. Maybe if she works hard enough and agrees to do everything the doctors tell her to, she will be able to play again in the future. Or maybe she prays for a miracle and tells God that she will donate half her proceeds to charity if He will heal her arm.
I think this example is a good indication at how the stages of grieving can become a little muddled and vary back and forth. Is this denial or bargaining? Probably a little of both.
Depression
It is easy to see how Lisa could be sad. She might be ok one day and down in the pit of despair the next. Dr. Kübler- Ross refers to this phase as depression. I want to make a clarification between this type of depression and what we imagine when we hear the word depression. Dr. Kubler-Ross mentions that this is not a mental illness; this specific depression is a response to grief. This would definitely apply to Lisa.
If Lisa's sadness persists for many months, starts to affect all aspects of her, and she is unable to cope then she may cross over from a grief response to an onset of true depression.
Acceptance
It may take months or even years to reach this phase. This is when Lisa accepts her current situation, whatever it may be. It does not mean she will return to her pre-accident self. A traumatic event always changes us. This is when Lisa takes back charge of her life rather than letting her situation or injury dictate her life. She decides what her future holds.
The question you may be asking is how does Lisa, how does anyone, get to the point of acceptance?
Fortunately, there are many ways and methods to heal. Here are just a few:
Counselor/Support Group
If you have lost someone in your life (through death, divorce, or some other significant way), there is a another, less obvious reason I like this option. Speaking with a person, or group of people, who do not know the person you lost can help you immensely. If the relationship was a complicated one, they can help you see the person in a new way. They can also help you see yourself in a new way. One thing I have learned from others is that no relationship is perfect, we all have complicated lives, we all deal with loss, and we have the amazing ability to help each other heal. If the relationship was not complicated but you are just feeling devastated by the loss, this gives you the chance to keep your loved one near to you by telling others about them.
Stories
Grief puts us and others in a complicated situation. It we don't speak about our situation; people get the idea that this topic off limits. In addition, people will get the story secondhand and from rumors rather than directly from us. But if we talk about the situation too much, then it makes others uncomfortable. They think it is the only thing we want to talk about. They feel uncomfortable talking about their everyday ups and downs. If they talk about the good things in their life; they feel like they are being insensitive to what you've been through. If they talk about their problems; they feel insensitive because their issue with the drama at work pales in comparison to your grief.
It's a no-win scenario.
There are different ways to handle this. One is by sharing stories with others.
Make it clear it is not a competition about whose life is worse or better. It is about sharing stories.
Perhaps start by asking others "What is your story today or this week?' You may have to explain what you mean by this; that you are asking them what is going on in their lives. Once they are done, you tell your story. It is a back-and-forth exchange. You are sharing the stories of life.
Pictures
Lisa may be tempted to toss the pictures of herself playing tennis before the accident. It may be painful for her to be reminded of her life before. This may be similar for someone who has lost someone. But pictures can be very healing. Select a few pictures to keep nearby. If Lisa feels pictures of herself playing tennis right before the accident are too painful, then she may want to start with pictures of herself as a little kid with a tennis racket. The earlier pictures may be easier, happier memories to start with. I believe looking at pictures helps you experience and release emotions. Don't believe me? Look at a picture of you and a good friend at an amusement park from many years ago. The second you look at the picture, you start to experience emotions.
This is because a picture is a story without words. I think it is a wonderful way to heal.
Join me again next time as I talk about more about grief, healing, and what to do if you find yourself stuck.
To view the full series, check out our archive! As a reminder to new readers, you can start anywhere, even here as articles do not need to be read in any particular order.
In loving memory of Leonard Juniper
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