Grief; Stuck in Sadness: Thriving with Depression (Part 28)

Grief and Expectations

Why do some people seem to handle their grief better than others? 

I don't mean that they experience less pain or sadness. There is no way to measure the depth of another person's emotions. I mean they seem to function better or keep a positive outlook on life. 

How come one person can go through an expected, non-traumatic loss, become an alcoholic and lose everyone? But another person experiences a traumatic loss and uses the experience to help others? 

This is not a simple question. We are complex beings. We all come from different backgrounds, learn different coping skills, and have a different life view. But even if I take two people from similar families, from the same neighborhood, with similar life experiences they may still handle their grief quite differently. Aside from the fact that we are all uniquely different people, there is one factor that I believe accounts for such differences. Expectations. 

Expectations are what you strongly believe will happen in the future. Sometimes people have expectations based on probability and reality while others develop expectations based on what they want to happen.

 

Let me give you an example. I will use myself. I grew up in a family that had multiple autoimmune conditions as well as a variety of other medical illnesses (cancer, depression, infections, bleeding gastric ulcers, etc.). Being exposed to illness and possible death from an early age, I did not expect my family members to live to 100. I was very sad when I lost those close to me, but it was not unexpected. In fact, I was grateful that I got to spend as long with them as I did. To date, everyone has made it to their sixties and some to their seventies. 

This is a very different experience to someone I know. I will call her Susie. Susie is from a long line of very healthy people. The only people in her family that have any medical conditions are over the age of 75. In fact, Susie is in her mid-seventies and continues to work. Susie expects her family members to live to 100 so when her mother died at the age of 92, Susie was truly shocked. 

I am using death as an example, but it applies to any kind of loss. Another example I have seen it occur with is divorce. One comedian was asked what the leading cause of divorce was. His reply: marriage. All kidding aside, millions of people go through this painful loss. For the most part, people don't get married with the plan to divorce in the future. That being said, people have general expectations regarding divorce. If you have seen your parents' divorce or others in your family, you may not consider it an unexpected event to occur in life. If you come from a very religious home that considers divorce an anomaly, then you may be shocked if your spouse decides to leave you. 

Last time I talked about how we get stuck in the sadness of grief. If over a year has passed and you cannot move on, you cannot find joy in life, then you are stuck. People endure and pull themselves out of a variety of situations all of the time. It really is amazing our zest for life and survival instinct. Some may say it is just biology. That we survive through situations because it is in our advantage from an evolutionary point of view. Perhaps. I believe there is more to it. Because we don't just survive and go through the motions. We survive and enjoy life again. 

Stuck in Sadness

So, if we cannot find joy after the passing of many months, then something is blocking our path. 

This can be for a variety of reasons.

• You have not taken any (positive) steps to cope or find ways to help you deal with the pain. 
• The loss you experienced was traumatic. 
• The loss you experienced was complicated; either the situation was complicated, the relationship, or both. 

Reason one: You have not taken any steps to cope. I am referring to positive steps. Drowning your sorrows with alcohol and drugs is not a positive step. It will actually move your progress backward rather than forward because these substances make you numb so you stop truly living. (More on this in a later article). I am not referring to going out one evening and having too much wine or having one glass of wine at dinner. I am referring to doing this on a daily basis. Ignoring the pain and situation is called Denial (the first stage in Kubler-Ross' stages of grief). Denial is a short stage that gives us the chance to go on functioning while we are coming to terms with the loss. It is not meant to be a way of life. Like any problem, ignoring it does not make it go away. 

Reason Two: If the loss was traumatic, sometimes additional issues have to be resolved before healing can really begin. You may experience one or several of the following:

• Blaming yourself, or others, for the loss. It is common to blame ourselves or others in a traumatic loss. If you lose the use of your arm in a car accident, you may blame yourself if you feel asleep at the wheel or the other driver if he/she was drunk. That does not mean that there are no consequences for our actions. There may be legal ramifications and/or other consequences. But holding on to the anger from the blame stops us from healing. This is because anger is a jealous bedfellow. It does not like to share its space with love and love is what is needed to heal. 
• Not having the chance to prepare for the loss. A sudden loss does not give you the chance to prepare for the loss; either emotionally or otherwise. 

Reason Three: The loss was complicated. You may feel the following:

• Anger at the situation.  
• Frustration at not being able to resolve issues with someone before they leave or die.
• Experiencing conflicting emotions- you may feel relieved if you are no longer in a toxic situation but then feel guilty for feeling that way about someone who has passed or left.

Getting A Hold of Grief

So, how do you get unstruck in your grief?

Step one: Look at your situation from an outsider's perspective. 

It is so hard to see your situation from an objective point of view when you are in the middle of it. It is not because you don't have the ability to be logical or objective. It is because when we are overwhelmed with emotions, we are busy feeling, not thinking. But we can do both. You need to step away from the situation and look at it from an outsider's point of view. So, how do you do this? 

Write the facts of your situation down as if you were writing a short fictional story for a writing contest. The contest rules say the story must be inspirational. The story starts with sadness and loss but ends on a happy note. The main character, who is grieving, is able to go on with life and finds joy. Other characters in the story learn from the experience as well and become better people. 

As part of the writing contest, you need to write a summary about each character, their motivations for any actions, and emotions. 

This exercise will help lessen your blame, anger, and guilt. You may need to re-read the story 20-30 times to really feel a difference. 

Step Two: Look at the past.

Current events can be harder to handle if there are unresolved events in your past. If you have been through painful situations and swept them under the rug, they tend to reappear the next time you face a painful situation. I understand. Denial is my preferred reaction to adversity. I like nothing better than burying my head in the sand like an ostrich. 

• 
  List significant painful events from your past. 
• List the emotions each event brings up.
• Next to each painful event, write what you learned from the event. My opinion is that we can get over past events once we learn from them. This does not mean to imply that you did something wrong, just that every time we go through something challenge, we learn more about ourselves and life.
• Now, list 50 positive events or reasons to be grateful in your life.
  

To learn more about healing from the past, please see my 5-part series Haunted by the Past.

Step Three: Look at the future. 

It may be hard to imagine the future if you feel stuck in the present. But it is important to do. It is important to identify motivation to keep going. What is important to you? Do you have children who need you, grandchildren you love to see, a pet who adores you? What do you hope for the future? Have you always wanted to join a bowling league, take an art class, or learn to sing? 

Step Four: Look at what you have to offer others.

We all have skills and talents that we can pass on to others either to family, friends, or others. Are you a good reader? Then maybe you can read to children at a local library. Are you good with animals? Maybe you can volunteer at an animal shelter. Do you know how to crochet? Teach your granddaughter or teach a class at your local community center. 

This week I wanted to offer you more tips to help you heal. I hope you find them helpful. But my series on grief is not over. There is still much to discuss. 

Join me next time when I discuss more about how grief affects your life and traumatic grief.