Grief and Trauma: Thriving with Depression (Part 29)

                                                                                   

Everything we experience in life becomes a part of us and makes us who we are. Some experiences have more of an effect than others. Grief is one of these experiences. The loss we experience in grief can be hard to endure but there is one thing worse than grief: never experiencing grief. You may not feel that way if you recently experienced a loss.

I propose that never experiencing grief is worse. There are two reasons for this. First, not experiencing life (both the joys and difficulties) means you do not live and do not grow as a person. Second, and more importantly, it means that nothing or no one was significant enough for you to miss when they left your life. 

Unless you are both very young and in a very 
unusual situation, you have experienced loss. 

Ten years ago, a person I have known for many years, lost her parent. I will call her "Eva" although that is not her real name. Eva attended the funeral. She says she has not once been back to visit the grave. Eva recognizes and is grateful for the role her parent played in giving her life and raising her. Sadly, her parent did not have the capacity to show love and had difficulty with kindness. Being emotionally unintelligent, her parent did not recognize that perhaps parenthood was not part of her skill set. She was talented in other ways, but not in the nurturing department. I am grateful to know Eva and she has helped many people, but I feel sad when I think of her growing up with this parent. It makes me sad as well that she does not, nor ever will, grieve the loss of her parent. That is real sadness to me.

The example above is an example of "normal" grief as opposed to "traumatic" grief. Eva lost an elderly parent due to illness. By "normal" I mean, the loss is one that is expected in life. We expect our grandparents and parents to die before we do. But healing can be more complicated if the grief is from a traumatic incident. 

What is Traumatic Grief?

Traumatic grief is grief from a traumatic incident. By traumatic I mean a severe, sudden loss that is surprising. As a society, especially in first and second world countries, we have expectations from life. We expect a mother or grandfather to pass before we do but we do not expect to lose a child. We expect to lose a spouse to divorce or old age, but we do not expect to lose a 35-year-old husband to skin cancer, or a 60-year-old spouse to suicide. We expect to get in a minor fender bender or scrape while driving but we do not expect to lose a leg in a horrific accident. These are just some examples of traumatic grief but there is not an exact definition or list of what is traumatic vs. what is not. 

Therefore, I am applying the criteria of severe, sudden, and surprising. 

• Severe. Either the action itself is severe or it has a severe/significant effect on your life. 
• Sudden. Sudden is a subjective word. But I am basically referring to months or less. 
• Surprising. It is not something you, or society, considers the norm. This does not mean that it is rare, it means that it is not what is ordinarily accepted. 

A woman, or couple, who is unable to have any children may consider this traumatic. It has a significant impact on their life. It affects their marriage, their plans, and may affect their own importance. The couple considers this a surprising situation in their life. You may argue that due to the unexpected nature and the degree it affects their life, this could be traumatic grief. But whether or not it is depends on where they live and whether this is considered unusual or traumatic by the society in which they live. If they live in a first world country where a woman is not judged by the number of children she has, and where infertility is considered a common problem*, it would not be considered traumatic. If they live in a third world country where the woman may be cast aside or shunned, then it may be a different situation. 

It has to do with whether it is considered unexpected by society, not by the individual person. 

Tackling Trauma 

In my life and my work as a nurse I have seen several people deal with trauma. I have some good news; people survive traumas and learn to love and enjoy life again. It goes back to the amazing way we can heal and adapt. It is a common misconception about trauma is that it will destroy your life forever. *

A severe loss does not mean you are doomed to be unhappy for the rest of your life. It does mean you may need to access more resources and a variety of coping skills to get there. 

So, how is our grief different in a trauma? Sometimes, there may not be any difference. Often, however, there are other factors that make the loss more complicated and with more emotions to handle. 

Many of the coping skills that help with grief help with traumatic grief. The main difference is that you may need to do more and for longer. The additional factors of blame, guilt, mixed feelings about complicated relationships, and no time to prepare for a big loss may need to be addressed. 

There is a certain factor that can help you better deal with trauma. I am referring to your beliefs, your expectations in life.

Your belief system. Last time I mentioned that your expectations in life will affect how you deal with grief. Yes, your belief systems will affect your expectations and your expectations play in role in dealing with grief. Let me explain further. 

Categories of Belief

Belief about death. If you believe someone just disappears when they die, that everything about them is gone, then you will have a harder time dealing with their death vs. someone with different beliefs. 

This is the attraction of religion to some. They believe their loved one is looking down on them from heaven or some other paradise above and is spending eternity with a benevolent creator. 

Another similar belief system that is fairly common is the belief that the person was done with their journey on Earth and has moved on to the next galaxy or planet. I have also heard a belief that earth is actually hell is that once the person grows enough as a person, then they graduate from hell to a less violent place. 

The pain of loss is still there but a more optimistic belief about death can be like an aspirin. It may not take away the pain completely, but it will at least lessen it.

Belief about life. Do you believe life should be easy or hard? Do you believe that after every storm there is a rainbow? Do you believe that both happy and sad things happen in life, or do you live in a fantasy world and think life should be all rainbows and unicorns? If you believe sad things happen in life but it's ok and things usually get better, then this will alleviate the pain you feel. If you think everything in life should go your way all the time, then grief will knock you off your feet.  You will wallow in your pain longer because rather than trying to heal, you'll be focused thinking about how unfair life has been to you. Honest reveal- this was me for many years. 

Belief about the importance of a support network. Some people enjoy a large support network whereas some people try and keep to themselves. They may feel awkward around others, even family members, or just feel other people bring stress and strife to life. But whether we want to admit it or not, we are social creatures. And those of us with a robust social network have a better sense of well-being. *

Your support network are the people in your life who provide emotional and/or physical help to you. They can be family members, friends, fellow members of the same church or spiritual network, people who belong to the same activities that you do, co-workers, neighbors. 

I know my pets aren't people, but I like to include them as well. 

Summary

Over the last few articles, I brought up some suggestions of ways to help heal. Examples include counseling, support groups, remembering those you have lost or better times via storytelling or photographs, using creativity to heal, finding a specific activity to help you process your grief, and making positive changes that help you embrace this new stage in life. In addition, I also addressed some steps to take when you get stuck in grief and can't move forward:

1. Look at your situation from an outsider's perspective. 
2. Look at your past (and heal from it). 
3. Look at your future.
4. Look at what you have to offer.

However, your beliefs and expectations color every single part of your life, including how you handle grief. They will make the suggestions above work better, or not. Yes, you may not feel like yourself in grief. You may not feel optimistic at all or like being around others. You may want to hide in your room and never come out. But, at some point you will.

Join me next time for further discussion of grief, traumatic grief, and hope!