Grief from Suicide: Thriving with Depression (Part 31)

Suicide; A Type of Traumatic Grief

One of the hardest traumas for us to understand and deal with is suicide. We realize accidents happen. We drive vehicles that weigh thousands of pounds and take even larger vehicles 25,000 feet into the air. 

We realize people do evil things- kill, rob, attack. But to lose someone when you don't have to is incomprehensible. We wonder if we, or anyone else, could have stopped it. It adds another complicated layer to the healing process. 

Realizing how complicated it is to deal with a suicide, there are many associations and support groups to help with recovery. 

So, why does this happen? The JAMA (Journal of American Medicine) Psychiatry describe 5 different patterns of suicide along with the percentage of people who commit suicide in each category. ***

• Class 1–Mental health and substance problems (13.5 percent).
• Class 2–Mental health problems (17.6 percent).
• Class 3–Crisis, alcohol-related, intimate partner problems (18 percent). 
• Class 4–Physical health problems (31.7 percent).
• Class 5–Polysubstance problems (19.2 percent).

Obviously, many factors come in to play when someone decides to commit suicide. But, to me, this is an indication of how treatment is lacking in both mental and physical health. Look at the numbers above! Over a third of the people who commit suicide do so partly, or mainly, because of health issues! What is that telling you?

Alright, I'm going to interrupt this article to unapologetically give you my opinion both as a nurse and a chronically ill patient for 30 years. Our medical system does a great job at fixing broken legs and helping when you have a heart attack. If I were having a life-threatening emergency, I would feel confident that the local ER would be able to help me. But our system in the USA is not as adept when it comes to chronic illness, pain, mental health issues, and substance abuse issues. People are noticing this, and many are turning to alternative care and alternative practitioners to help with their issues. Many are reaching out to other patients, thanks to social media, to find out what is helping others. 

Ok, back to our regularly scheduled program...

So, besides the reasons listed above, why do people choose to end their life? People get overwhelmed with life. They either experience a trauma or endure a medical or mental health condition. Treatment is needed but the complexities, and often the expense, of getting the needed care can be challenging. As a nurse I have seem this happen more times than I care to can count. Trauma and stress affect the nervous system; the sympathetic nervous to be exact. This leads to the "fight-or-flight" response you hear so much about nowadays. 

Some of the symptoms* include:

Faster, shallower breathing
Faster heart rate
Nausea
“Butterflies” in the stomach
Sweaty palms
Trembling/weak legs and hands
Tension in thighs, neck, and shoulders
Focus on negative memories

Tunnel vision

Dizziness/lightheadedness

Do these symptoms sound familiar? Yep, if you have ever had a panic attack then these symptoms probably sound familiar to you too. Just imagine feeling like this all the time! And these symptoms are in addition to the mental and physical symptoms someone is already experiencing. 

The nervous system and body can only take so much. Feeling like this for years on end can be absolutely overwhelming. People who commit suicide don't really want to end their life; they just want the pain and distress to stop, and they can't see any way out. 

Those left behind realize this and that is why it makes it so much more difficult to heal. We don't want the person to leave us, and they don't want to leave. This makes it feel like an unavoidable tragedy. So, besides all the typical symptoms of dealing with a trauma, there are the additional emotions that come along with the feeling that you (or someone else) should have and could have stopped it.

In this case, it is critical you see a counselor or join a support group who is familiar with suicide. 

You Cannot Walk in Someone Else's Shoes

I want to make something clear. You could not have stopped it. Let me repeat that. You could not have stopped it. You may have been able to delay it a day, a week, maybe even a month. But this is the other person's choice and free will to take his/her own life. There are many people who have dealt with similar circumstances and choose to go on. That does not mean they are better than those who chose to leave. We are very complicated beings and no one person is alike. You cannot not ever walk in another person's shoes, as the saying goes. But, in the end, it is a choice. A very difficult choice, but a choice, nonetheless. 

Help and Hope

So, can anything help? Well, the decision is a complicated one.  But there is basically only one purpose of a suicide: to end distress we believe cannot be managed or treated (mental, physical, emotional, or typically a combination). Anything that helps significantly alleviate distress can improve someone's life and make it less likely for suicide to be chosen. 

There are several things that help with distress- mildly for the short term. The person in distress needs to know that something that can help significantly for the long-term. 

The good news is that there are things that can help significantly for the long-term. The problem is getting access to these medications, treatment, and activities. Let me give you an example.

People live in pain every single day despite the fact that there are many medications and other ways to
treat pain. Well, one way to treat pain is to calm the nervous system which will help to alleviate pain. 

A beautiful temperature-controlled room with flowers, incense, and calming music or nature sounds can work wonders. Just think of having a room like this at the mountains, at the beach, or even just at a pretty piece of property anywhere for a weekend. Healthy meals are provided for you, and you do not need to "do" anything. You can read a book or visit with others in a common room. No electronics or televisions in sight. Can you just imagine the stress releasing from your body?

So, as a society, why don't we do things like this? Then, when you return home, you are required to take time like this for yourself two hours, twice a week. Add this to your usual pain medication and you are off to a good start to improve the quality of life. 

You can probably think of the many reasons most people do not this. And if you are thinking that doing something like this could not possibly help with pain, I can assure you it does. I live in chronic, daily pain. You might be surprised what helps, especially when your doctors will not or cannot prescribe any more medication for you.

Please join me next time as I talk candidly about my own struggles with depression, pain, and suicidal thoughts. 

Once again, if you lost someone to suicide, it is critical you see a counselor or join a support group who is familiar with suicide. If you ever feel suicidal, please call someone, anyone- a friend, family member, or the suicide hotline at 988.